Household projects don't come easily for me. They make me feel stupid, emasculated, and often feeling helpless. They also make me miss the shit out of my Dad.
Hey Matt, I wanted to comment on this after I read it prior to my work day, then got caught up in the things but now back: I had this almost EXACT sitch about 20 years ago (my father was still alive but in FLA in retirement) when I had to replace the faucet in my apartment kitchen. Immediate feelings of shame and insecurity about being able to do the task on my own. I phoned my Dad and he said (he'd softened with age, which was nice) "Son, you can do it. Just follow the instructions and make sure you shut the water off first!" lol. When I did that and got it done and saw the water flow, I cannot tell you how amazing that felt. Then, last fall I had to assemble a new home-office standing desk and nearly felt defeated ... but step at a time and I'm enjoying it now. It comes down to recognizing the feelings you're having and not let them overwhelm you. I really appreciate that you posted this newsletter. You probably helped way more people than you could have expected! Cheers my friend and enjoy your Friday! MM
Coming to terms with not being good at all the things we want to be good at is a doozy! Especially for the more self-critical among us. It’s funny how we place a such high value on all these different skills, when we wouldn’t judge someone else for not having those skills. Tough to reconcile who we want to be with who we are. And yet! Sometimes a step back to realize you are expecting impossible things from yourself, who is after all just a human being. It’s like, “who do I think I am, that I think I should be good at everything!?” Maybe it’s okay to be a regular human person with strengths and weaknesses.
Reading through it to the ache for your dad was touching and it’s clear how much you loved him. Reminded me some of Mary Roblyn’s recent essay about her roof repair needs after her husband, who took care of such things, was gone. It’s these everyday ways of depending that can make the absence feel so stark, maybe because it’s a sharp reminder that the person is no longer part of daily life. I’m sorry for your loss of him. Your writing is a lovely way to honor both him and your grief.
I struggle with all of this as well. Part of it for you is that being a male you were socialized to feel like you are supposed to be good at these things, and it’s just not true. It’s one of those toxic myths about masculinity.
My third stepfather was one of those guys who fixed everything- a lot of times in makeshift ways because he would find work arounds when he couldn’t fix something right hahahaha!! There was no admitting you couldn’t do something, and no calling someone in! But, my sister was living with someone (on the other side of the duplex they owned) who had no capacity for any kind of handyman stuff- the amount of grief my stepdad gave him for being a “pussy” and not being able to do stuff was incredible. He also pulled my husband aside once (who could do some stuff, but knew nothing about cars and didn’t even have a license or know how to drive) and reamed him about taking care of my car! Telling him that he should be doing oil changes and routine maintenance on it since he was a man… That was all kinds of wrong. Just because you are a male does not mean you have to know how to fix anything!
My ex was very much like my stepdad and could fix anything (also a make it work person lol). So, now being a single mom and having to do some of that stuff myself has been super challenging.
Sometimes the things that look easiest are just not. I’ve YouTubed so many things - failed at so much! Been in tears, frustrated, beating myself up for not being able to do simple things so many times! I spent several years not asking for help because I wanted to do things myself. I’ve called my brother a few times when I’ve been beyond desperate, but I always feel so lame and defeated having to do that!
My middle sister is someone who has always prided herself on being able to fix things. Especially since her partner was not the least bit “handy.” We didn’t always have the best relationship, but I hired her to put in new flooring in my living room a few years ago when she was laid off from her construction job (at the urging of my mother) lol 😂 Now, she is the one I call for everything! There have been quite a few minor things I’ve asked her to help with that she struggled with too, which made me so glad I asked for her help with!! Because if she struggled with it, it would have been one of those things that I cried over and gave up on lol 😂
The loss you feel tied up with this is profound and heartbreaking. I can imagine how that makes things that much worse. At this point, I know that if I didn’t have my sister to help me with things, I would be completely lost.
As a fellow home owner and frustrated part time repair person: you are not alone. I have a group of friends who all have the same issues you are struggling with (all in our mid-40’s). It turns out; I was born to a be a frustrated home owner: my dad, uncles, grandfathers, friends, and beyond have all been DIY enthusiasts. Lots of sweat, even more blood, and a dictionary of new curse words have delivered us all to calling in professionals after things have gone completely off the rails. Sometimes professionals need not be called and a temporary truce can be drawn when things function as expected, but in unexpected ways.
Sometimes my father in law comes to help out. He is the definition of a handyman and I have learned a lesson from him I didn’t realize I utilized every where else in my life: patience. Never knew I had this super power until we started working together. He doesn’t get things right very often on the first try. What he was able to do was stay calm and puzzle his way through issues. Our house is old, so is our in laws. Not a 90 degree corner to be found. Pipe threads that don’t line up. Multiple trips to the a nearby mans-mall.
It turns out I am a DIY home fixer-upper enthusiast in hiding. I just needed to embrace the unknown.. YouTube helps (sometimes).
There are certain household projects I can do, and some that I definitely can't. Plumbing is scary. I'm much more comfortable with electrical. I have a bathroom faucet that needs replacement and I've been putting it off, mainly for fear of screwing it up.
I totally get the "masculine" aspect of this, as I feel it myself. I came to the realization a few years ago that if I'm not at least 90% confident that I can pull it off, I'll pay to have a pro do it. It's easier for me to make a little money than to make major mistakes. Lol.
I know you miss and are still grieving Steve, I can see that in you from time to time. It'll never fully go away, and you don't want it to. Recognizing when that might be a root cause for your feelings is helpful.
Sometime you do have to rely on professionals, though. I had a plumber over for some stuff that I didn't feel comfortable with. As soon as the plumber turned off the main water valve, it sprung a bad leak, since the valve hadn't been shut off in three years and was likely original with the house. If I had done the work myself, I would then have had an emergency call to a plumber and the water shut off until they were able to get over to fix it. Instead, the plumber had it done within an hour.
Hey Matt, I wanted to comment on this after I read it prior to my work day, then got caught up in the things but now back: I had this almost EXACT sitch about 20 years ago (my father was still alive but in FLA in retirement) when I had to replace the faucet in my apartment kitchen. Immediate feelings of shame and insecurity about being able to do the task on my own. I phoned my Dad and he said (he'd softened with age, which was nice) "Son, you can do it. Just follow the instructions and make sure you shut the water off first!" lol. When I did that and got it done and saw the water flow, I cannot tell you how amazing that felt. Then, last fall I had to assemble a new home-office standing desk and nearly felt defeated ... but step at a time and I'm enjoying it now. It comes down to recognizing the feelings you're having and not let them overwhelm you. I really appreciate that you posted this newsletter. You probably helped way more people than you could have expected! Cheers my friend and enjoy your Friday! MM
Coming to terms with not being good at all the things we want to be good at is a doozy! Especially for the more self-critical among us. It’s funny how we place a such high value on all these different skills, when we wouldn’t judge someone else for not having those skills. Tough to reconcile who we want to be with who we are. And yet! Sometimes a step back to realize you are expecting impossible things from yourself, who is after all just a human being. It’s like, “who do I think I am, that I think I should be good at everything!?” Maybe it’s okay to be a regular human person with strengths and weaknesses.
Reading through it to the ache for your dad was touching and it’s clear how much you loved him. Reminded me some of Mary Roblyn’s recent essay about her roof repair needs after her husband, who took care of such things, was gone. It’s these everyday ways of depending that can make the absence feel so stark, maybe because it’s a sharp reminder that the person is no longer part of daily life. I’m sorry for your loss of him. Your writing is a lovely way to honor both him and your grief.
I struggle with all of this as well. Part of it for you is that being a male you were socialized to feel like you are supposed to be good at these things, and it’s just not true. It’s one of those toxic myths about masculinity.
My third stepfather was one of those guys who fixed everything- a lot of times in makeshift ways because he would find work arounds when he couldn’t fix something right hahahaha!! There was no admitting you couldn’t do something, and no calling someone in! But, my sister was living with someone (on the other side of the duplex they owned) who had no capacity for any kind of handyman stuff- the amount of grief my stepdad gave him for being a “pussy” and not being able to do stuff was incredible. He also pulled my husband aside once (who could do some stuff, but knew nothing about cars and didn’t even have a license or know how to drive) and reamed him about taking care of my car! Telling him that he should be doing oil changes and routine maintenance on it since he was a man… That was all kinds of wrong. Just because you are a male does not mean you have to know how to fix anything!
My ex was very much like my stepdad and could fix anything (also a make it work person lol). So, now being a single mom and having to do some of that stuff myself has been super challenging.
Sometimes the things that look easiest are just not. I’ve YouTubed so many things - failed at so much! Been in tears, frustrated, beating myself up for not being able to do simple things so many times! I spent several years not asking for help because I wanted to do things myself. I’ve called my brother a few times when I’ve been beyond desperate, but I always feel so lame and defeated having to do that!
My middle sister is someone who has always prided herself on being able to fix things. Especially since her partner was not the least bit “handy.” We didn’t always have the best relationship, but I hired her to put in new flooring in my living room a few years ago when she was laid off from her construction job (at the urging of my mother) lol 😂 Now, she is the one I call for everything! There have been quite a few minor things I’ve asked her to help with that she struggled with too, which made me so glad I asked for her help with!! Because if she struggled with it, it would have been one of those things that I cried over and gave up on lol 😂
The loss you feel tied up with this is profound and heartbreaking. I can imagine how that makes things that much worse. At this point, I know that if I didn’t have my sister to help me with things, I would be completely lost.
As a fellow home owner and frustrated part time repair person: you are not alone. I have a group of friends who all have the same issues you are struggling with (all in our mid-40’s). It turns out; I was born to a be a frustrated home owner: my dad, uncles, grandfathers, friends, and beyond have all been DIY enthusiasts. Lots of sweat, even more blood, and a dictionary of new curse words have delivered us all to calling in professionals after things have gone completely off the rails. Sometimes professionals need not be called and a temporary truce can be drawn when things function as expected, but in unexpected ways.
Sometimes my father in law comes to help out. He is the definition of a handyman and I have learned a lesson from him I didn’t realize I utilized every where else in my life: patience. Never knew I had this super power until we started working together. He doesn’t get things right very often on the first try. What he was able to do was stay calm and puzzle his way through issues. Our house is old, so is our in laws. Not a 90 degree corner to be found. Pipe threads that don’t line up. Multiple trips to the a nearby mans-mall.
It turns out I am a DIY home fixer-upper enthusiast in hiding. I just needed to embrace the unknown.. YouTube helps (sometimes).
Sorry for your loss…
Bro, you're doing great. I wish I was half the song writer you are!
There are certain household projects I can do, and some that I definitely can't. Plumbing is scary. I'm much more comfortable with electrical. I have a bathroom faucet that needs replacement and I've been putting it off, mainly for fear of screwing it up.
I totally get the "masculine" aspect of this, as I feel it myself. I came to the realization a few years ago that if I'm not at least 90% confident that I can pull it off, I'll pay to have a pro do it. It's easier for me to make a little money than to make major mistakes. Lol.
I know you miss and are still grieving Steve, I can see that in you from time to time. It'll never fully go away, and you don't want it to. Recognizing when that might be a root cause for your feelings is helpful.
Sometime you do have to rely on professionals, though. I had a plumber over for some stuff that I didn't feel comfortable with. As soon as the plumber turned off the main water valve, it sprung a bad leak, since the valve hadn't been shut off in three years and was likely original with the house. If I had done the work myself, I would then have had an emergency call to a plumber and the water shut off until they were able to get over to fix it. Instead, the plumber had it done within an hour.